#1: Galleria Umberto (North End)

Or, thwarted from the get-go.  Or, an inauspicious beginning.

Verdict: Nuh-uh.

Being from Jersey, we are somewhat familiar with cranky old Italian men.  We were nevertheless slightly put out to be gruffly told we had no choice in our pizza.

We had decided, dear readers, in a passing nod at objectivity, that we would order the same thing at each pizza place (1/2 plain cheese, which is the real test, 1/2 sausage & pepperoni so as to have something edible - we are, needless to say, not fucking vegans).  But, alas, thwarted.  Instead, we were forced into individual slices of fake Sicilian-style "pizza."

 (Seriously, forks and knives?  Are we amateurs?)

It only got worse from there.

We are firm believers in the sauce/cheese balance: i.e., that there should be the constant threat of accidentally pulling all the cheese off the pizza with your teeth.  To Galleria Umberto's credit, this happened to Tella twice.  Unfortunately, the cheese in question sucked.

The sauce itself was unremarkable, but Aggie did comment on the bread; she was not pleased.  "Might as well have been eating Elio's," she said.  Our conclusion is that it came across as sort of middle school pizza.  Except, of course, we liked our middle school pizza better.

Tella was especially distressed to see an actual young child who probably still had developing pizza tastes consuming this pizza.  This is how Bostonian pizza tastes happen, people.  Haven't you heard of the Pizza Cognition Theory?

Since our mothers will appreciate it if we say something nice, we'd like to talk about the ambiance.  Sketchy on the outside, authentic on the inside, we were especially impressed by the illustrations on their token map of Italy.  Angry Octopus was, unfortunately, our most relatable character, but we also enjoyed Killer Mermaid & Sassy Poseidon.  (Tella points out he was technically, probably, Neptune, but allows her bias to show through.)

(Sassy Poseidon is so very sassy.)

Also a bonus: actual Italians frequenting the establishment and demonstrating their Italianness by speaking the language.

STATS:

Pros!  :)

• Good sauce/cheese balance
• Decor
• Cheap
• Italians speaking Italian

Cons!  :(

• That poor child
• Ordering makes no sense
• Mushy crust
• Bad cheese

In the end, though, in order to truly end the experience on a positive note, your intrepid adventurers were forced to seek dessert elsewhere.  We can wholeheartedly recommend Caffé Vittoria for all your cheesecake, tiny spoon, and espresso-based needs.

 (Tella is blurry due to being fully caffeinated.)

(Aggie enjoyed the mousse but will order the cheesecake in the future.)

Until next time, Boston,

Tella & Aggie

In which we preface our quest.

Dear Boston,

It's not that we don't love you.  It's just that we're from Jersey.

"We," in this instance, are your hosts,  gleefully codenamed Tella Mon and Aggie Mems, and we just want a decent slice of pizza.

We do not miss the following things about living in the Garden State:
1) People with fake tans
2) New Jersey Transit
3) Living with our parents

We do, however, miss edible pizza.  As we have lived here for 3 1/2 years between us and tried many pizzas with no success, we need a new plan.  Because we are awesome, we have decided to share this with you.  If we can bring good pizza to one New Jerseyan, or enlighten one Bostonian, we will consider it a success.

Hell, we'll settle for a decent slice of pizza.

Sincerely,

Tella Mon & Aggie Mems

THE SYSTEM: Or, in which we pretend to be objective.

• We'll be utilizing Yelp as a guide, for lack of any other real preferences.
• We're sorting by best reviewed because we don't wanna go alphabetically.
• All choices must be within a mile of the T, because we don't drive on roads inspired by fucking cow paths, and Tella is morally opposed to the bus.
• We will take your suggestions if we like them and you leave them in a comment.  If you tell us in real life, we will disavow all knowledge of this project.  If, however, your suggestion is wrong, bad, or leads to the dark side, we will shun you in real life and stop stalking you on the internet.
• Our rating system is as follows:
• Fuck no.
• Nuh-uh.
• No.
• Meh.
• Okay.
• Would eat again.
• No objections.
• Fuck yeah.
• Jersey.