#6: Alfredo's

Verdict: Meh.

Pizza questers, we went to Southie. In the daylight, but still. Southie does not represent the areas of Jersey we grew up in; it represents the parts we tried not to get lost in. So Alfredo's was perhaps the opposite of Ernesto's - terrible atmosphere, functional pizza. We'll do the atmosphere first.

Your heroines are not the most social of creatures. The fact that this is "Pizza Quest" and not "Delivery Pizza Quest" is a tribute to you - and the fact that it is not winter yet. So if we had to pick a word to describe Alfredo's, we would say: cramped. This is clearly not meant to be a sit-down restaurant. Thre was only one table, and some guys behind the counter who ignored us for a while and then looked at us like we were nuts for not having called our order in beforehand.

Despite this setback, we were provided with a hot pizza and individual stacks of plates and napkins. It didn't all fit on the table, but we persevered and dug in (because we were hungry).

Looking not unlike its distant cousin, the Man in the Moon.

The toppings on our pizza were downright TASTY. They were by far the highlight of the pizza. The crust was decent - neither of us had objections, and you know how unusual that is. Ditto the sauce - no real complaints where we know we're picky. Which means the cheese was its downfall. Pockmarked and sour, it took the pizza (and your pizza tasters) from hopeful to disappointed. And that was where we left it: wishing the cheese hadn't ruined everything.

We hightailed it back out (and we do mean hightailed - we didn't want to be there after dark). Suffice it to say that we won't be coming back to Southie for the atmosphere or the cheese any time soon.

STATS:

Pros! :)

• Toppings
• Decent crust
• non-offensive sauce
• Good-sized large
• Tella didn't burn herself

Cons! :(

• Weird cheese (v. sour)
• Bad neighborhood
• Other people
• Cramped

Ernesto's (North End)

Or, in which we put a lot of things in quotes.

Verdict: No.

We've been gone for a while, we know. As with her ancient counterpart, Aggie is why you can't have nice things. It appears there is an upper limit to her pizza tolerance. Tella is skeptical of anyone who claims to be sick of pizza and also be from New Jersey. When informed of this, though, Aggie got all sassy, so we'll take her word for it for now.

We are back in the game in Boston's grossest weather yet, to investigate Ernesto's in the North End. You may remember that the North End is one of our very favorite places, but not the scene of delicious pizza memories. Ernesto's, we are sorry to say, is no exception.



It took Tella 3 tries to get this shot without capturing
an innocent bystander. We told you it was crowded.

Ernesto's is a delightful place, filled with real life New Jerseyans -- or at least people close enough to pass. They have Frank Sinatra on their walls (and their speakers). It was crowded, but didn't feel crowded. And since your heroes have never been fond of the hoi polloi, that's an impressive feat.

Unfortunately, their pizza was not nearly so impressive. Aggie was starving, so she was particularly forgiving. Tella is never forgiving, especially when it comes to bad pizza (and bad drivers). Technically, we cannot judge their driving, but we're still judging their pizza.

The pizza was huge. The toppings were plentiful. The pepperoni was crisp and delicious. The rest of it... was kind of a disaster.

Giant pizza is giant. (Plate included for scale.)

The cheese tasted funny: Tella thought it tasted weirdly sour; Aggie tasted more eggs than she is comfortable with in cheese. The sausage was fluffy, which both your intrepid adventurers find a bit too daring for their tastes. And speaking of taste, it didn't have much of one. Between the pepperoni (yay!) and the sausage (boo!) the pizza became less a "food" and more a "burny puddle of hot grease" which Tella discovered when she burned herself twice. (You may be noticing a pattern. Tella prefers to describe her eating habits as "bold" rather than "incompetent".)

Even things which should have been endearing ended up more "frustrating." The slidey cheese we consider a requirement for Jersey style pizza ended up in a puddle on our plates (and we needed about a dozen each). The floppy crust we hoped indicated the proper thickness really just -- wasn't. More toppings were lost. Sauce (and grease) fell like rain. And to add insult to injury (literally, of course), it wasn't cooked evenly. In places, it was actually gooey.

In the end, as with all disappointments, your narrators sought solace in baked goods (and espresso), returning to our favorite North End haunt, Caffé Vittoria. Perhaps if we ever find edible pizza, our next adventure will be cheesecake quest.

Solace: achieved.

STATS:

Pros!  :)

• Run by Jersey-style Italians
• Good pepperoni
• Giant pizza
• Good ambiance

Cons! :(

• Fluffy sausage
• Bad cheese
• Messy
• Rogue floppy crust

#4: Allston Village Pizza & Grill (Allston)

Verdict: Okay.

Fuck.

Your brave pizza adventurers ventured out on the damn green line again.  Fortunately, it was a lovely day, and they were in search of pizza, which they found, as planned, at Allston Village Pizza & Grill.  It was a strange little pizza - emphasis on little - but that was we ordered.  If Umberto's Galleria tasted like cafeteria pizza, this one looked the part.

(...yeah.) 

Taste-wise it was a step up.  Not pizza, really, but a tasty food product.  We have decided to call that product "tasty cheesy bread with stuff" because, given that it lacked sauce almost entirely, it is a more accurate description.  That said, the cheese was plentiful and good.  The pepperoni and sausage were pretty much as anticipated.  The crust was fluffy.  It was a tasty fluffy crust, but it was undeniably fluffy, and lacking in sauce.

So all in all, if we found ourselves in Allston in need of sustenance, we would neither flee in terror nor seek alternative food solutions from their decent-sized menu.

As for their atmosphere: a resounding meh.  A little depressing, even.  Three tables, 2 dingy soda machines.  Random guy behind the counter who had trouble understanding our order.  Still, he gave us our pizza (the order was correct) and left us alone.  We didn't even feel like he was hovering, which is kind of a feat in a place that size.

 (O HAY THAR)

So, pizza questers, we have once again journeyed on the green line so you don't have to.  You can thank us once we find the elusive Jersey pizza in gift certificates.

STATS:

Pros!  :)

• good & plentiful cheese
• hilarious NPR stories playing

Cons! :(

• no sauce
• dingy
• hard to find the root beer

Until next time, Boston,

Aggie & Tella

#3: Pinocchio's Pizza (Harvard Square)

Or: In which we would love Harvard Square if it weren't for the goddamn people.

Verdict: No objections.

Hello again, Pizzalings-

There was a brief pause in our epic pizza quest while your heroines pursued other tasty foods; suffice it to say Boston does Restaurant Week(s) better than it does pizza. But fear not; we are back with a renewed sense of purpose - by which we mean "craving for pizza."

This evening we braved Harvard Square (and all that entails) to check in on Pinocchio's.

When we walked in to an empty restaurant, we were concerned. Would they have nothing to do but watch us take pictures?

(We took some pictures while we were the only ones, anyway. We have no shame.)

Fear not, chickadees, the place filled up before we had to worry about public embarrassment, and the man behind the counter was gruff, but content to get us some pizza. So content, in fact, that he made us a larger pie than we asked for. Fortunately (for everyone) he charged us for a small. Unfortunately, the pizza took its revenge on Tella's hand - twice.

Which is to say, that this is not a pizza for the grease-phobic - it is plentiful and it is hot. Trust us on this; bad pizza isn't the only pain we go through so you don't have to. That said, as we are from Jersey, where pizza often comes with a free beverage, we were undeterred. Which is for the best, because the pizza doesn't suck.

(Non-sucky pizza, we are glad to see you.)

In fact, our dear little monkeys, we had no major objections to this pizza. The crust was unremarkable, but a good thickness and structurally sound. Your asskicking adventurers would once again like to express differing crust opinions: both appreciate its slight crunch, but Aggie says it had a vaguely flavor (but not a truly pleasant favorite) that Tella did not notice.

We were agreed that the cheese was tasty if a strange texture - not bad, just noticeable. The sauce was hard to notice, as it was boring and lacking in quantity. There was however, the perfect amount of oregano. We wouldn't have noticed its absence, but we found its presence a delightful surprise.

The atmosphere was pretty standard: comfortable, despite its metal chairs. Small, but not crowded. Entertainingly decorated with soccer players, mermaids, and its name sake.

(Pinocchio is wearing short shorts next to a crab. Your argument is invalid.)

All in all, we're glad we found something enjoyable about Harvard Square. Now if only the hipsters would get off our lawn.

STATS:

Pros! :)

• Ambiance (Yes, that is the phrase we'd use in Jersey.)
• Tasty, slidey cheese
• Extra (free) pizza
• Oregano
• Delicious pepperoni

Cons! :(

• Unimpressive sauce
• Burned Tella twice
• In Harvard Square 

Until next time, Boston,

Tella & Aggie  

#2: Brookline Spa (Brookline Village)

Or: Son of a slice!

Verdict: Would eat again.

First and foremost, dear readers, you should know that your pizza guides are children of the nineties. As such, our very favorite part of the Brookline Spa was its 90s roller rink soundtrack. The fact that Aggie will continue to be seen with Tella after her stunning cash register rendition of “If You Could Only See” is a tribute to her deep and abiding love for you…or maybe just her devotion to pizza.

(Also - Dear Brookline: You are a most charming town, but ultimately annoying to get to.  Love, Us)

And speaking of pizza, we managed to get an actual pie this time: half cheese, half sausage and pepperoni, as promised, from a monosyllabic guy behind the counter, who was remarkably indulgent of our desire to eat in what was a glorified convenience store.

(OM NOM NOM)

Frankly, we would definitely eat this again. We even brought the leftovers home. The cheese was surprisingly tasty and extra mobile - as Aggie discovered when she picked up a slice and immediately dropped all the cheese back onto the box, her pants, and a large portion of the floor (because, of course, we are badasses who have no use for plates).  Sadly, the sauce providing the mobility was sub-par: not terrible, but not something you would eat if given a choice.

Your noble narrators are in minor disagreement about the crust. We’re agreed that it was an excellent thickness, if not particularly structurally sound; but Tella believes crust should taste less like breadsticks, and Aggie apparently does not. So, make of that what you will, arbiters of taste.

 (The pizza appears to have dropped its pants!)

(*flop*)

As for atmosphere, your darling diners will eat anywhere that sells both pizza and toilet paper. Brookline Spa does not have tables, but it does have a variety of things you wouldn’t expect from your average corner pizza place (or spa), including Wonder Bread, toilet paper, and coffee.

Also, they are remarkably tolerant of rocking out.

STATS:

Pros!  :)

• Music
• Sauce-cheese balance
• Good cheese
• Crust thickness

Cons!  :(

• Sub-par sausage
• Unremarkable sauce
• No tables

Until next time, Boston,

Tella & Aggie

#1: Galleria Umberto (North End)

Or, thwarted from the get-go.  Or, an inauspicious beginning.

Verdict: Nuh-uh.

Being from Jersey, we are somewhat familiar with cranky old Italian men.  We were nevertheless slightly put out to be gruffly told we had no choice in our pizza.

We had decided, dear readers, in a passing nod at objectivity, that we would order the same thing at each pizza place (1/2 plain cheese, which is the real test, 1/2 sausage & pepperoni so as to have something edible - we are, needless to say, not fucking vegans).  But, alas, thwarted.  Instead, we were forced into individual slices of fake Sicilian-style "pizza."

 (Seriously, forks and knives?  Are we amateurs?)

It only got worse from there.

We are firm believers in the sauce/cheese balance: i.e., that there should be the constant threat of accidentally pulling all the cheese off the pizza with your teeth.  To Galleria Umberto's credit, this happened to Tella twice.  Unfortunately, the cheese in question sucked.

The sauce itself was unremarkable, but Aggie did comment on the bread; she was not pleased.  "Might as well have been eating Elio's," she said.  Our conclusion is that it came across as sort of middle school pizza.  Except, of course, we liked our middle school pizza better.

Tella was especially distressed to see an actual young child who probably still had developing pizza tastes consuming this pizza.  This is how Bostonian pizza tastes happen, people.  Haven't you heard of the Pizza Cognition Theory?

Since our mothers will appreciate it if we say something nice, we'd like to talk about the ambiance.  Sketchy on the outside, authentic on the inside, we were especially impressed by the illustrations on their token map of Italy.  Angry Octopus was, unfortunately, our most relatable character, but we also enjoyed Killer Mermaid & Sassy Poseidon.  (Tella points out he was technically, probably, Neptune, but allows her bias to show through.)

(Sassy Poseidon is so very sassy.)

Also a bonus: actual Italians frequenting the establishment and demonstrating their Italianness by speaking the language.

STATS:

Pros!  :)

• Good sauce/cheese balance
• Decor
• Cheap
• Italians speaking Italian

Cons!  :(

• That poor child
• Ordering makes no sense
• Mushy crust
• Bad cheese

In the end, though, in order to truly end the experience on a positive note, your intrepid adventurers were forced to seek dessert elsewhere.  We can wholeheartedly recommend Caffé Vittoria for all your cheesecake, tiny spoon, and espresso-based needs.

 (Tella is blurry due to being fully caffeinated.)

(Aggie enjoyed the mousse but will order the cheesecake in the future.)

Until next time, Boston,

Tella & Aggie

In which we preface our quest.

Dear Boston,

It's not that we don't love you.  It's just that we're from Jersey.

"We," in this instance, are your hosts,  gleefully codenamed Tella Mon and Aggie Mems, and we just want a decent slice of pizza.

We do not miss the following things about living in the Garden State:
1) People with fake tans
2) New Jersey Transit
3) Living with our parents

We do, however, miss edible pizza.  As we have lived here for 3 1/2 years between us and tried many pizzas with no success, we need a new plan.  Because we are awesome, we have decided to share this with you.  If we can bring good pizza to one New Jerseyan, or enlighten one Bostonian, we will consider it a success.

Hell, we'll settle for a decent slice of pizza.

Sincerely,

Tella Mon & Aggie Mems

THE SYSTEM: Or, in which we pretend to be objective.

• We'll be utilizing Yelp as a guide, for lack of any other real preferences.
• We're sorting by best reviewed because we don't wanna go alphabetically.
• All choices must be within a mile of the T, because we don't drive on roads inspired by fucking cow paths, and Tella is morally opposed to the bus.
• We will take your suggestions if we like them and you leave them in a comment.  If you tell us in real life, we will disavow all knowledge of this project.  If, however, your suggestion is wrong, bad, or leads to the dark side, we will shun you in real life and stop stalking you on the internet.
• Our rating system is as follows:
• Fuck no.
• Nuh-uh.
• No.
• Meh.
• Okay.
• Would eat again.
• No objections.
• Fuck yeah.
• Jersey.